четверг, 30 октября 2008 г.

Erica

A man was writing the name "Erica" on a paper... then,
"Kapang!"
His head swung hard when his wife hit his head with a frying pan.
"Who's that Erica, huh?!", he looked at his enraged wife.
"What's wrong with you?! Erica is a name of a race horse that I am betting on for tonight! Damn it! Im going to the race track ok?!"
His wife was shocked and almost in tears with embarrassment. She immediately apologised and left the man. The man shook his head and continued to write... then..
"Kapang!"
This time, his brains almost came out from his head with the impact from the blow, this time with a large flat iron. The man was furious after regaining his consciousness.
"What?????!", he asked.
"Your horse called!"

понедельник, 20 октября 2008 г.

Silly Quiz Answers

Silly quiz answersSilly quiz answers from quizzes on British TV and Radio.

• University Challenge
o Bamber Gascoigne – What was Gandhi's first name?
o Contestant – Goosey, goosey?

• Steve Right in the Afternoon (BBC Radio 2)
o Steve Wright – Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
o Contestant – Jesus

• Big Quiz (LBC Radio)
o Gary King – Name the funny men who once entertained lings and queens at court.
o Contestant – Lepers

• Quizmania (ITV)
o Greg Scott – We're looking for an occupation beginning with T.
o Contestant – Doctor
o GS - No, it's T. T for Tommy, T for Tango, T for Tintinnabulation
o Contestant – Oh right…(pause)…Doctor

• Danny Kelly Show (Radio WM)
o Danny Kelly – Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival each year?
o Contestant – I don't know, I need a clue
o DK – OK, what do beans come in?
o Contestant – Cartons?

• Beg, steal or Borrow (BBC2)
o Jamie Theakston – Where do you think Cambridge University is?
o Contestant – Geography isn't my strong point
o JK – There's a clue in the title
o Contestant – Leicester

• Late Show (BBC Midlands)
o Alex Trelinski – What is the capital of Italy?
o Contestant – France
o AT – France is another country. Try again
o Contestant – Oh, um, Benidorm
o AT – Wrong, sorry, let's try another. In which country is the Parthenon?
o Contestant – Sorry, I don't know
o AT – Just guess a country then
o Contestant – Paris

• Beacon Radio
o DJ Mark – For £10, what nationality is the Pope?
o Contestant – I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


• BBC Norfolk
o Stewart White – Who had a worldwide hit with "What a Wonderful World"?
o Contestant – I don't know
o SW – I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
o Contestant – Arm
o SW – Correct. And if you're not weak you're…?
o Contestant – Strong
o SW – Correct. What was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
o Contestant – Louis
o SW – Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with "What a Wonderful World"?
o Contestant – Frank Sinatra?

• GWR FM
o Presenter – What happened in Dallas on November 22 1963?
o Contestant – I don't know, I wasn't watching it then

• Magic 52 Radio
o Presenter – In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
o Contestant – Erm…
o Presenter – Let's put it this way, he didn't see 1964.
o Contestant – 1965?

• Quizmania (ITV)
o Greg Scott – We're looking for a word that goes in front of "clock"
o Contestant – Grandfather
o GS – Grandfather Clock is already up there, try something else
o Contestant – Panda

• Richard and Judy (Channel 4)
o Richard and Judy – Which American actor was married to Nicole Kidman?
o Contestant – Forrest Gump

• Chris Searle Show (BBC Radio Bristol)
o Chris Searle – In which European country is Mount Etna?
o Contestant – Japan
o CS – I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I'll let you try again
o Contestant – Er…Mexico?

• Richard and Judy (Channel 4)
o Richard and Judy - What's the Prince of Wales's Christian name?
o Contestant – Err…
o R&J – Here's a clue, he was married to Diana
o Contestant – Err…
o R&J – It begins with a C
o Contestant – No idea

• Simply the Best (ITV)
o Phil Tufnell – How many Olympic Games have been held?
o Contestant – Six
o PT – Higher!
o Contestant – Five

• Fort Boyard (Challenge TV)
o Jodie Marsh – Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word – CHED and PIT
o Team – Chedpit

• Lincolnshire FM
o Presenter - Which is the largest Spanish speaking country in the world?
o Contestant – Barcelona
o Presenter – I was really after the name of a country
o Contestant – I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain

• Notts and Crosses Quiz (BBC Radio Nottingham)
o Jeff Owen – In which country is Mount Everest?
o Contestant – Err, it's not in Scotland is it?

• National Lottery (BBC1)
o Presenter – What is the world's largest continent?
o Contestant – The Pacific

• Phil Wood Show (BBC Radio Manchester)
o Phil Wood – What's 11 squared?
o Contestant – I don't know
o PW – I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle
o Contestant – Is it five?

• Rock FM
o Presenter – Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci
o Contestant – Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

• The Biggest Game in Town (ITV)
o Steve Le Fevre – What was signed to bring the First World War to an end in 1918?
o Contestant – Magna Carta

• James O'Brien Show (LBC Radio)
o James O'Brien – How many Kings of England have been called Henry?
o Contestant – Err, well I know there was a Henry the Eighth…three?


• National Lottery (BBC1)
o Eamonn Holmes – There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
o Contestant – Jelly

• Blind Date (ITV)
o Female contestant – Name a book written by Jane Austen
o Male contestant – Charlotte Bronte

• Steve Penk Breakfast Show (Virgin Radio)
o Steve Penk – What is the name of the French speaking Canadian state?
o Contestant – America? Portugal? Canada? Mexico? Italy? Spain?

• Paul Wappat show (BBC Radio Newcastle)
o Paul Wappat – How long did the Six Day War between Israel and Egypt last?
o Contestant – (After long pause) Fourteen days

• Notts and Crosses Quiz (BBC Radio Nottingham)
o Jeff Owen – Where did the D-Day landings take place?
o Contestant – (after pause) Pearl Harbor?

• Phil Wood Show (BBC GMR)
o Phil Wood – What K could be described as the Islamic bible?
o Contestant – Err…
o PW – It's got two syllables…Kor…
o Contestant – Blimey?
o PW – Ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run.
o Contestant – (silence)
o PW – OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I…
o Contestant – Walked?

• National Lottery (BBC1)
o Dale Winton – Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea?
A. Irish Sea§
B. English Channel§
C. North Sea§
o Contestant – Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.

• Chris Moyles Breakfast Show (BBC Radio 1)
o Chris Moyles – Which S is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
o Contestant – Err…
o CM – It begins with S and rhymes with perm.
o Contestant – Shark

• The Vault (ITV)
o Gabby Logan – What is the county town of Kent?
o Contestant – Kentish Town?

пятница, 17 октября 2008 г.

A few stories

Years back, going upstairs to prepare to go out I let out an impressively sharp-sounding yet loud ripper that had me laughing my head off. A few minutes later however my arse felt oddly cold. I checked in the mirror and to my horror found a great brown watery stripe. I cleaned/changed, sheepishly being thankful this happened at home. I took a pre-emptive shit just in case before I left.

I used to work for an IT firm in London & during a normal work day sitting talking to a colleague I kept getting a subtle, vague whiff of something - but checking my shoes revealed no canine curlers. Later on I retired to take a dump and found as I expelled a normal, solid log that I had the sensation of my arse hairs ripping apart. I puzzled this until a stark realisation hit home. I hurriedly checked the insides of my boxers and to my relief found that the previous-nights-beer-fart seepage had only permeated my arse beard. I hurriedly cleaned up all traces of bum grit and returned to the office.

One & only time I had to give a stool sample for which I was given a small plastic jar. Not sure how to do this I hovered suspended and deposited a perfectly just-less-than-small-sized-jar turd into the receptable, put the lid on and marveled as the sides steamed up. I was extremely proud until I noticed a large, bright green blob of mucus on the side of the turd! At the hospital samples counter I handed over the jar stating "this is for you" and quickly walked off. I've never again seen a mucus turd, only the one time it went public, typical.

I was hospitalised with a severe leg fracture once and in traction. After a few days not crapping I had to request the bed pan, and sat there doing the do as the most fetid smell erupted. When I inspected the evidence I found a putrid, slimey, glistening mass of green matter. Being in traction I couldn't get out of bed so had to simply request a nurse to collect
this abomination as I lay there and went a bright shade of red (she was pretty too, curses).

One time in some office toilets I was taking a dump and I heard groaning, huffing, puffing and sounds of pain from the next cubicle as I was trying not to laugh out loud. The guy left, and after I finished up I couldn't resist peeking in for a look and found a humungous OVAL deposit several inches across basking in the bowl. I was stunned and amused as I left the cubicle, only to meet the cleaning lady coming in the door as *I* walked out of the offending trap!

Finally for now, I used to work at a company where there was a very pale guy who seemed to eat nothing but sugary cakes. One time on entering the communal loo I found water near to the brim, and two pale cream coloured "sugar stools" peering up out of the water. A few days later the drains had to be cleaned as we had completely packed them with shit from our endless junk food and burgers diet. All of us except this guy (we didn't tell him hehe) joked about a white stripe running through the shit packed drain.