пятница, 17 октября 2008 г.

A few stories

Years back, going upstairs to prepare to go out I let out an impressively sharp-sounding yet loud ripper that had me laughing my head off. A few minutes later however my arse felt oddly cold. I checked in the mirror and to my horror found a great brown watery stripe. I cleaned/changed, sheepishly being thankful this happened at home. I took a pre-emptive shit just in case before I left.

I used to work for an IT firm in London & during a normal work day sitting talking to a colleague I kept getting a subtle, vague whiff of something - but checking my shoes revealed no canine curlers. Later on I retired to take a dump and found as I expelled a normal, solid log that I had the sensation of my arse hairs ripping apart. I puzzled this until a stark realisation hit home. I hurriedly checked the insides of my boxers and to my relief found that the previous-nights-beer-fart seepage had only permeated my arse beard. I hurriedly cleaned up all traces of bum grit and returned to the office.

One & only time I had to give a stool sample for which I was given a small plastic jar. Not sure how to do this I hovered suspended and deposited a perfectly just-less-than-small-sized-jar turd into the receptable, put the lid on and marveled as the sides steamed up. I was extremely proud until I noticed a large, bright green blob of mucus on the side of the turd! At the hospital samples counter I handed over the jar stating "this is for you" and quickly walked off. I've never again seen a mucus turd, only the one time it went public, typical.

I was hospitalised with a severe leg fracture once and in traction. After a few days not crapping I had to request the bed pan, and sat there doing the do as the most fetid smell erupted. When I inspected the evidence I found a putrid, slimey, glistening mass of green matter. Being in traction I couldn't get out of bed so had to simply request a nurse to collect
this abomination as I lay there and went a bright shade of red (she was pretty too, curses).

One time in some office toilets I was taking a dump and I heard groaning, huffing, puffing and sounds of pain from the next cubicle as I was trying not to laugh out loud. The guy left, and after I finished up I couldn't resist peeking in for a look and found a humungous OVAL deposit several inches across basking in the bowl. I was stunned and amused as I left the cubicle, only to meet the cleaning lady coming in the door as *I* walked out of the offending trap!

Finally for now, I used to work at a company where there was a very pale guy who seemed to eat nothing but sugary cakes. One time on entering the communal loo I found water near to the brim, and two pale cream coloured "sugar stools" peering up out of the water. A few days later the drains had to be cleaned as we had completely packed them with shit from our endless junk food and burgers diet. All of us except this guy (we didn't tell him hehe) joked about a white stripe running through the shit packed drain.

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